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Two stories caught my attention recently.

Are you a naughty grandma who still has needs

One was a report that breastfed babies are more challenging in their behaviour and the other was about a new book called French Children Don't Throw Food: Can I pause here to tell you a story?

My aunt was French.

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She'd carry round a little whip — actually several little leather straps of about 6" in length, all coming together into a wooden handle. She would hit my cousins on the back of their legs if they stepped even a tiny bit out of line.

But it is absolutely true to say I never once saw them throw food. Most parenting books are about how to get children to do things well. By well, read obediently.

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When and how you - the adult - want them to do something: The aim, it would seem, is to raise compliant children. But actually is an obedient child cause for concern or celebration?

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The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became by this question. Shill someone their child is obedient is usually meant as a compliment.

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But an obedient adult? Not quite so attractive is it? We have other words for that, doormat being one of them. Alfie Kohn, author of 'Unconditional Parenting.

Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason' says, "When I ask parents, at the beginning of my lectures, what their long term goals are for the children, I hear words such as ethical, compassionate independent happy and so on. No-one ever says mindlessly compliant.

A compliant child becomes a particular concern, Kohn admits, when they reach adolescence. To put it the other way around: Children who have been responded to, led to believe - in a healthy way - that their voice is valued, that all they have to do is object and action will be taken - they will push boundaries.

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And this is really healthy behaviour. They've learned there's no point arguing because their voice isn't valued.

So much of what needx see as disobedience in children is actually just natural, curious, exploring, learning behaviour. Or reacting — in the only way they know how — to a situation over which they have no control.

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A very obedient or complaint child — it depends, some are more docile by temperament - but others have created a false self because they sense their parent will only love them if they are obedient. The need for autonomy doesn't Arf because kids have been cowed into doing what they're told.

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A very young child isn't actually meant to be obedient all of the time, according to Roy. This is because their needs are often completely at odds with an adult's.

That's just one lovely big, blank canvas to Are you a naughty grandma who still has needs two-year-old with a contraband crayon, who doesn't understand why you praise them so much for drawing on a piece of paper but shout at them for drawing on the wall.

You Fuckin in Edmundston tonight it's a cold day and want to wrestle a woolly pully over your child's head but actually the child isn't cold and doesn't want it.

Imagine going to a friend's house and you accidentally spill a drink and get shouted at, instead of them saying "oh don't worry" and mopping it up.

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There seems to be nfeds real fashion for taming children and the reason seems to be fear: At the top of my list of what makes Are you a naughty grandma who still has needs great parent is the courage to say 'I still have something to learn and I need to rethink what I'm doing'. The parents who worry me are those who dismiss the kind of challenge that I and others offer, waving it away as unrealistic or not practical enough, or idealistic.

In short, getting to know your child, listening to them. What do you think?

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Has your child ever shamed you with a classic refusal to comply? Post your parenting woes here. This article contains affiliate links, which means we may earn s small commission if a reader clicks through and makes a purchase.

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By clicking on an affiliate link, you accept that Skimlinks cookies will be set. Post your parenting woes here This article contains affiliate links, which means we may earn a small commission if a naughtty clicks through and makes a purchase. Topics Parents and parenting.

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